Last Night

Well I had my hair color vibrantly restored yesterday. I think it upped my sassiness level too. The night started at Bonefish. One bottle of wine and shit started being fun. There was some IBM help desk guy sitting by me (not really). He had a Southern accent. I can honestly say, I have never met someone of India Indian descent that talked with a twang. It was like eating hot ice cream (aka very unnatural and unsettling for my mind). There were 3 of them and they kept butting in my conversation. They were lame-o lawyers and I could have eaten them for lunch with my wit. I am guessing they weren't money making criminal defense kind nor would I need them for a future divorce because they weren't that ambitious. I would be left with nothing but the kids and no money if they were on my side. Well actually, now that I think about it they worked for some government office. Yeah, now you are agreeing with the lame-o thing.

Side note-ghandi didn't eat tuna because he was allergic to shellfish.

So, I pissed the black female in the group off by saying I hate Shaq. (he was on EPSN being traded for the 10th time. Seriously, someone should trade him to a nursing home) I think she really thought I was racist. So then I had to explain that the hatred stemmed from the fact I had never seen him and I went to see the Suns and Magic play while I was in Arizona specifically to see him. He didn't play because his grandmother had died. Well then they thought I was racist and heartless. Seriously, his grandmother died like 2 weeks before that. Normal people don't get that long off. Why should Shaq? Well I don't even know how I ended that conversation, but I did and I left. On to the next bar/big thing.

Once arriving, we proceeded to order another bottle of wine. I asked some jackass if I could sit by them because I couldn't very well carry a bottle of wine around. He proceeds to say (and I quote), "I don't know, can you?" I roll my eyes and say yes and sit my happy ass down while announcing that I apologize I didn't know we were playing a game of "mother may I". Fuckers.

Well as it happens this fellow is named Demar (like the ocean?). He is the 4th one named Demar in his family. He is white and from NC. (I think him and the IBM telemarketer/lawyer from Bonefish must have been switched at birth. Demar is much more Hindu sounding) He thinks I am funny. I think his name is Demar? WTF? Yeah I stayed stuck on the name. He is getting a phd in opera. Even weirder. We laugh and chat. I secretly wonder if he has a cat. He acts like he likes girls, but I am sure he much more into the soap on a rope prison type fantasies. I don't even remember that other dudes name, but he had some jacked up hair and I apologize for not getting a picture. If I knew his name I would locate him on facebook so you could see. It was a wreck.

Well Demar made the mistake of engaging me in sports talk. He proclaimed the ACCs superiority to other conferences. FAIL!!!!!!! Demar became Dimwit. The SEC is God fucker. He is still arguing, so I say "who won the CWS?" answer SEC "who won the national football title? answer SEC! Then Dimwit butts in and says who won the soccer title. My response, we only allow females to play soccer to give them something to do. We don't even recognize it as man sport in the SEC. We are Americans and do not give a shit about that game. We continue to fight. I continue to call the ACC lame outside of their basketball dominance (but I also reminded him Michigan took that this year which is pathetic for the ACC too). I finally can take no more of his ignorance so I have to get up and relocate to the other side of the table to talk to other people.

Well this too quickly goes South. I was sassing last night I tell you. They have overheard most of my ACC bashing and SEC bragging and ask where I went to school. So I say Ole Miss. They like fucking LSU. I hate LSU. Corndogs. Then he proceeds to talk shit about Mississippi. This for some reason launched me into a (I am on the 3rd bottle of wine now) history rant. WTF? I know, not me. I tell him how great Natchez is after he bashed it. (truthfully I wouldn't live there lol) I am lecturing him on antebellum homes in great detail. Ex. "Did you not visit Longwood? It is tragically majestic. Seeing the inside of this beautiful, massive, unfinished house just breaks your heart. I am quoting off other names of homes (I don't even know how or why I know this shit. I could have been making it up)" And then I also let him know he obviously did not go to Fat Mamas and have tamales and margaritas because that alone made that town worthy. Then I move on to Vicksburg and the delta and the blues. I am announcing all kinds of random shit like the fact that MS is the number one exporter of catfish in the world. I should have probably also let him know Major Dad was from there. I hate when I leave out good stuff.

Then I finally get over this. Turns out he is from Wakulla Springs. Me (being a well mannered girl..haha) responds, "I was just reading about the springs and really want to go there." He announces it is a dump and this launches me into another rant about how wonderful it is (I HAVE NEVER BEEN THERE AND I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT THIS EXCEPT WHAT GOOGLE PROVIDED) I tell him he is wrong the oldest prehistoric mammal is there and can be seen on a clear day and I really hope they get the money to restore those old boats from Tampa (he doesn't even know what I am talking about and really neither do I, but I don't stop). And it is so sad that they closed the Cherokee sinkhole. Everyone at the table turns on me. I had to jump ship and go back to my original chair.

Dimwit has since been taken home by Jim Carrey's Mask character inspired hair. Maybe his name was Andrew. I think I will just keep referring to him as hair for the point of the story. He is macking on my friend Nicole. I am bored and Whataburger is across the street. So I start using my phone as a communication device. I type "Are we getting out of here" and hand her my phone. I guess it would have made too much sense to just text her. She nods yes. I type "Is he coming with us" she nods no. (THANK GOD) I don't like being around ugly people with crazy hair. I type "follow my lead" I walk to the bar and get togo cups and we waltzed right out of the bar with out wine. (I love breaking rules)

I am in Whataburger and drunk. I order. I get a sprite. I am talking shit with the people in there and lecturing them on Karma when my mother fucking styrofoam cup breaks and I dump Sprite (thankfully a clear liquid) all over my beautiful shiny skirt. I don't know how or why I was talking to those jackasses. I act like it doesn't happen while they laugh at my karma out loud. I tell the lady at the counter they need better cups and there has been a malfunction and I need a new one stat. I get diet coke this time. I demand ketchup. I love their car friendly ketchup. We continue to drink our wine and eat french fries. I document this with my phone. We drive home. Fear not, the fun does not end here.

We stop in a store (that was so not on the way home) and buy cigarettes. Bad plan. I don't even smoke. And I also pick up some white cheddar popcorn and jalapeno Cheetos (all of which I discovered this morning) We get back to my house and we change and open bottle 4 and head to the pool at 3ish? I proceed to give my whole life history. I don't know how I had this much energy. Finally it is cold. We break a wine glass. I toss it in the trash. (FYI I am down to 2 wine glasses and my birthday is nearing if anyone needs an idea. I do not like stemless ones) and then I pass out and sleep like a champ while the tv rambles on with Michael Jackson videos. Thursday truly lived up to its full potential.