Never go swimming right after eating...

So day 2 turned out to be a scorcher and beautiful. We made it to the beach around 1. Sunscreen was used and the beer was iced, the day was indeed looking promising. I was laying on the beach and chit-chatting until the sun got the best of me and I had to wade in the water to cool off.

Let me also note now that I am not really a fan of the ocean. I prefer pools and rivers. Salt water and jellyfish just never have been up there on my list of favorite things. THE WATER WAS THE NASTIEST SHIT I HAVE EVER SEEN. In fact, as the beer started to take affect, I remember loudly announcing, "This place is nasty and I have no idea why you would choose this mess over Destin." Anyway, it was filled with algae. It felt like nasty hairy men were rubbing on your legs. It was creeping me the hell out, so I quickly became a beached whale again soaking in the sun. Of course I kept having to cool off and get back in the skanky (this word can be used so many times when discussing PCB) water. I would get out and look like I had neon green snot plastered all over me.

The waves were massive. I was in there about 3 minutes before one washed completely over me and got in my eyes and nasal cavity. (I did save the beer in a heroic effort) It hurt and it burned badly. I gave up and went back to the beach for a spinach dip snack and to get the saltwater out of my eyes. Then I moved to my super beach blanket to read and enjoy the sun and as the facebook status read, "baking in the sun one bud light lime at a time." I am enjoying my book and the sound of the waves hitting the shore and not my face when along comes peer pressure. "Come on Ash, we are sitting on the bank. Come talk to us." Of course I give in and the beer consumption truly begins. We were sitting on the beach and suddenly before I know it, we are back in the angry bashing saltwater.

Beers start coming rapidly as Frank goes back to shore for more. Of course, mostly I was using mine to wash the fucking water out of my mouth that the ocean kept putting in there. Lime really takes the edge of the salt. Somehow we start talking about midgets which temporarily distracts me from the waves. I am obsessed with midgets. In fact, Chelsea Handler is my hero because she has her own personal "nugget". Well Kay for some reason ask me if I have ever seen a midget porn. Me, "THEY MAKE MIDGET PORN????" He says not just midget porn, but gay midget porn. I decide immediately I could never watch gay midget porn because it would ruin sex for me for the rest of my life, but I do have some questions. Just basic stuff like, is like a tripod really or tiny and proportional to the rest of them? (or in Shana's words "cocktail wiener or summer sausage") Isn't that like watching kids get it on? Have you ever hooked up with a midget? Was it awkward looking when they were getting the horizontal polka on with an average person? DON'T ACT LIKE YOU ARE READING THIS AND NOT WONDERING WHAT THE ANSWERS WERE (unless of course you have been watching gay midget porn).

So the beer is flowing. Frankster brings another. I decide screw this, lets have a back up. I go right up and get us a double fisting round. I am obsessed with midget porn and take every opportunity I can to scream something about midget porn (oblivious to the fact children are everywhere). I guess had their daddies not been so interested in hearing me yell about midget porn they would have taken them to build sandcastles far far away from the midget obsessed drunk girl. The waves are smashing me. I start to channel Lt. Dan in Forest Gump screaming, "bring it on wave, is that all you have?, fuck you wave." Soon my whole sinus cavity is on fire. Frank has left to get a breather. I feel envious. I want out of this angry water. He comes back with another beer. By this time, the ocean is so bad every time you open beer 2 it foams from being shook around. I finally say fuck it and go back to the land. I have more spinach dip. Frank comes back out. Kay and Shana are awesome wave jumpers and like it out there. I think fun fail. Then comes the famous words, "Fuck it, lets get drunk." Suddenly, we decided we were going to empty that cooler.

There is a bean bag game which we immediately turn into a drinking game. First go Ashley has to chug a whole beer. I am pretty sure 4 beers were gone in round one on just me. I have to pee. We decide to wade in and take them a beer. We barely get them delivered before we are dying to get out. We go back to the game. I have a buzz and decide we need a wildcard rule. So I decide if you get the bag in the 10pt hole you get to make the other person do what you want. (there are 2 senior citizen couples observing this along with a middle aged jealous dude with a lame wife) I of course hit the wildcard first. I make Frank sing I am a Little Teapot with the moves. I continue chugging. I have to do a solo hotty toddy on a wild card. I drink and drink. Shana and Kay surface and sit down. I have to chug a whole beer. I immediately know this is about to get ugly. Throw up is on the way.

I weigh my options. I start to go for the hotel. I realize 3 steps in I will never make it. I turn around and head toward the water. I think I will at least make it deep enough. I am barely up to my knees, when my head convulses and it happens. I duck down and let it go. I continue walking and it happens again. I am still trying to get deeper in the water in an effort not to draw attention to myself. This happens 4 times and I feel so good. Maybe everyone just thought they were swimming in algae and not spinach. I go back up and plop down and announce I just had a first and puked in the ocean. Everyone laughs. I open another beer. Shana has since taken my place. Frank hits a wild card. I suggest she sing Jesus Loves Me. She does. The old people are amused. I help her remember all the words. She launches into church camp tunes. It is awesome. She is drunk and singing about Jesus.

We decide to head to the pool at the condo. I immediately have the radio turned on the Michael Jackson Sirius channel at the pool. I am having drunk conversation that I can't even remember with what I will describe as Southern Baptist types who probably left and went to pray for me. I am sunburned and have the green shit in my hair. They were yelling that I had alien cum in my hair. This made me squeal for it to be removed ASAP. Before I know it, there is almost as much algae swimming around me as there was in that ocean. They go back upstairs and make the rest of the banana daiquris. I announce that I can only have beer. The cooler was refilled too (obviously empty after that game). We keep drinking. I insist on climbing into the fountain in the pool for a photo shoot before leaving. Strangers are amused. I am doing a zen pose in the fountain and sitting cross legged. I suggest they try it.

We go upstairs and shower. I am going to just skip to the cabdriver now. We see him coming down the street. We are tired, buzzed and ready to go and decided to get in the middle of the street so he didn't have to turn in and then fight traffic to go the opposite direction. I am pretty sure this dude smoked himself stupid on a shitload of marjiuana as a young man. He is freaking the hell out and saying the cops are going to get him for that because it is illegal. I am like, "dude we are in the car, no blue lights, take us to Pineapple Willies." Then I start running project distraction. The following is the Q and A session.

-Have you ever seen any gay midget porn? no

-Have you ever seen any midget porn? no

-Have you ever seen a naked midget? no

-Would you like to? no

-Do you ever watch Skinemax? what is that (i explain "plot filled" after dark Cinemax)

He is confused and maybe amused. I let him know the waves sucked and had my hair filled with alien spunk. He doesn't know what spunk is. I explain I don't like the word cum. I tell him I puked in the ocean and I blame those salty waves. He says it is good for surfers. I announce that nobody comes here to surf and since he lives here he should know this. The ride continues with more assorted conversation and finally we get there. He wants to know if my hair is really red. I don't answer and let the rest of the car. We get out. I tell him my name is Frank and insist on taking my picture with him.

Nothing exciting happens at the restaurant. We eat and I win some trivia. I lost some too. (Just wanted to announce the win thing first) We all realize we are dead tired and call the cabbie. He picks us up. I turn my attention to Asian porn this time. He hasn't seen any of that either. Frank is passed out. Shana and I start telling him Frank stared in Asian porn and was so big it about killed the actresses. This was a fun game, but he was so stupid it almost wasn't fun. We get home and go to bed with working electricity. I would declare the weekend a success and I miss those kids even more now.