Well it is that time of year. While you men might not understand, the women will like this one. I think the one thing I have supported in the Obama administration is going longer between OBGYN appointments. Not because I think it is a good idea (it is a totally bad idea as far as I am concerned), just because going sucks. So I started thinking about doctor visits. You know, as children we got candy and stickers and bubblegum flavored medicine. We also only went to children doctors. I am thinking many of these principles should be applied to the vag doc.
I mean first, I am not looking to have kids nor do I want to sit in a room full of preggers when I go there. So there should be the baby mama section and the non baby mama section. Also, the interior decorating has to go. I was sitting in the nastiest wallpapered room with floral upholstered furniture the other day. I threw up in my mouth a little. I swear just the visual made it smell like moth balls. Put the old people and the floral arrangements with the baby mamas. If/When I decide to procreate, I will redesign the baby mama side with pedis and massage chairs and what not. I also used to really enjoy Highlights magazine in the doctor’s office as a kid. I do not want to look at parenting or knitting magazine. I will take US, People, Cosmo or any of that typical brainless crap. If you want to include something of quality, I suggest Food and Wine, Real Simple, and Help.
Granted the doctors used to talk and relate to me more as a child, but let me be clear minus getting me a nicer paper gown or having a BYOR (bring your own robe) policy, I don’t want you doing tricks to my vagina. You could warm those tools a little, but that will be all the extra attention needed down there. I don’t feel it necessary to discuss how textbook things or where my ovaries are. I don’t care. Do not make observations. (like last year, I was slightly burned after a tanning bed debacle. There was no reason for Dr. Asshead to ask me if I had been sunning on Miami Beach) You get where I am going here.....And I do not want to discuss boobs or self-exams. Give me the card and lets move on.
Now, on to the lollipops...I think they should start having “party favors” and drinks for that matter at the end of that. I feel like when you go invading south of the border, the least you could do is offer me a free vodka drink. Start handing out sex toys and drinks and I might actually want to go to the doctor. Hell maybe, Obama could even put that into his healthcare policy. More people would be into birth control and that couldn’t be that terrible for our society. I know lots of people that should not pro-create (some of them are even my friends). Plus, if they have “fun parties” at the end that gives someone a chance to earn some more money. I really respect women who decide to market dildos over cheap jewelry and soup in a pack or even tupperware. I have stimulated the economy and cut down on over-population all in one blog. Imagine what I could do in a novel!
Seriously, picture it...modern design, great reading material, non-talking doctor, adult lollipop, and vodka. I am drooling to book my appointment just thinking about it. And I almost finished this entry with out saying twat. Sorry, but the gyno always makes me think that.
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At one of my recent appointments I was lying there waiting on the doctor, looked up and noticed that some of the ceiling tiles needed to be replaced. They were your typical white tiles with black and gray markings. One of them actually had a little hole in the corner and in it someone had perched a VERY realistic stuffed rat and it looked like it was coming right at me. What was I supposed to do? Hit the lobby in my paper couture and wool socks with my ass hanging out?!? Well, as my feet hit the floor to do just that, I realized what was going on. I was pissed. But then they came in and shoved a set of cold tongs up my crotch and that rat prank seemed pretty entertaining in comparison. As a matter of fact, all that day I'd think about the patients that came in behind me and I'd have a laugh at their expense (is that wrong?). So, maybe those practical jokesters knew what they were doing. Come to think of it, maybe that should be a permanent Candid Camera set up on the old people/preggers side of the office with live video feed in the bar of OURS. Oh, yeah, I'd have pap smear in January and a yeast infection come June if I got to watch that show twice a year.
ReplyDeleteI love you vodka Flasck. I can't stop laughing. I think we def need live feed, and I would have totally laughed too. Although that is still way creepy!
ReplyDeleteNice ideas and I hate being squished between baby mamas too. I just want to scream, "Damn girl, are you at 10 months? Good luck pushing that overripe watermelon out..." And then to some, "Don't you realize what an injustice you're doing to the world? Procreating should be left to us girls who still have front teeth and enough sense to not have 5 of those kids already in tow."
ReplyDeleteAfter graduating in May I got booted from the UA clinic to the medical center next door, which unbeknownst to me was also a teaching hospital. My overly eager 23-year-old Med student had his fingers all up in me describing what he felt to his attending, an old man of course, who then had to confirm with his own fingers what the youngun felt. Talk about too much action for this vag. Joining the crowd in the room were two female nurses because the ratio of male to female has to be balanced in case I decide to sue I guess. I hope you never have to experience being the "lesson of the day." And yes, complimentary airplane bottles of vodka with sugar-coated lemons should be free for the taking.